


An Avalanche of Joy Won't Still Your Pain

by HumanDisaster (chocolate_shreddies)



Category: Endeavour (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, i just really love Box even though i shouldn't, i'm a mess, i'm sorry??, idk if this is really a character study, idk what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-25 22:06:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18172058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolate_shreddies/pseuds/HumanDisaster
Summary: He's nearly 26, he's angry and upset and he makes the biggest mistake of his life.





	An Avalanche of Joy Won't Still Your Pain

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back bitches!!! It's been nearly five years since i last wrote fic but this would not leave me alone.
> 
> It's no secret that i really love Ronnie Box even though i probably shouldn't but hey ho, here's some pain and suffering for you all because that always was what i wrote best.
> 
> I wrote this in like an hour and proofread it once so i'm sorry if it's shit
> 
> Also i have zero respect for canon and no idea how old Box actually is so lol

He’s 25 and newly promoted to Detective Constable when he gets the call that tells him his father’s in hospital.

A broken back, they tell him, he’ll likely never walk again. It’s a shock of course, something no-one ever could have seen coming but it’s nothing compared to seeing his father, his role model, small and pale in a hospital bed. It hits him right in the chest and, unbeknownst to all, makes its home right there, the first crack in his heart.

He spends the next six months of his life watching his father wasting away. The watch and chain gifted to his father by the Chief Constable rest on the bedside table, mocking them all. 35 years of service abruptly ended with nothing to show for it except some jewellery. No thanks, no payment, no care.

The watch stops working after two weeks and Ronnie suspects that’s when his father died too, at least in spirit.

It rains at his father’s funeral. It seems fitting, he thinks, as he holds his mother tight. Later he drowns his sorrows in a bottle of whiskey, cradling the glass like it will make everything better. He tips his head back against the cool plaster of the wall and the single tear he lets fall makes a hole in his heart.

~*~

He’s nearly 26 and he’s just closed another case when he gets the call telling him his mother’s not well. He knows, deep down, that she hasn’t truly been well since his father passed away but this is worse, his brother tells him.

I’ll be home soon, he says as he’s handed a piece of paper with yet another job scrawled across it.

He does as he’s asked, then puts his life on hold for the second time that year and drives the long journey home. His brother meets him at the door and his face says everything he can’t.

He’s too late. His mother's gone.

She’s pale and fragile and finally at peace but he never even got to say goodbye. She passed away peacefully in the night, they say, probably some underlying illness that caused it, they say.

He exchanges a look with his brother, they both know what killed her. She died of a broken heart.

It rains at his mother's funeral too and his emotions threaten to ruin him as he stands at his parents graves, clothes plastered to his cold skin.

He’s nearly 26 and he’s lost both his parents in less than a year and no-one gives a damn. He swears in that moment that he’s done giving everything to a job that gives nothing back. No longer will he risk his life for the bare minimum. He’s nearly 26, he’s angry and upset and he makes the biggest mistake of his life.

~*~

The first time someone presents him with an envelope of money he nearly vomits. It feels wrong but he thinks of his parents and, with a trembling hand, takes the money and seals his fate.

It doesn’t make you a bad copper, they say, just a smart one.

You deserve this, they say, they did your old man dirty.

He buys a watch, a good one, and sets it on his bedside table so it can remind him every day why he’s doing this. Then he takes the chain they gave his father and has it made into a bracelet and he carries it with him always, so he doesn’t forget.

~*~

There comes a day when they ask him for more. It’s no longer enough to simply keep quiet and let things be.

Now they want people hurt too. They want people convicted for crimes they didn't commit. It comes with perks of course, they assure him. He’s got a bright future if he plays his part, they say.

He wants to say no but looks are exchanged when he hesitates too long and it makes his skin prickle. He knows enough to know that they won’t just let him walk away when he’s had enough.

He’s never had much courage so he does as he’s asked and becomes a Detective Sergeant by 28.

~*~

By the time he’s 30 he’s an Inspector and he’s numb to the horrors of what he’s done. What he’s still doing. He doesn’t know when he stopped thinking about what was right and what was wrong.

He drinks away the nights and tells himself he deserves it; it’s for his father and his mother and every other officer that died because of this god forsaken job. He risks his life every day to protect people. He deserves this.

It’s easy to live in denial when you don’t see the people that you’re hurting. He just tells his people who to arrest and checks the paperwork afterwards. He tells his people who not to look too hard at. He tells them who to hurt but he never looks his victims in the eye.

He gets a brown envelope every month. He buys himself a new suit and more alcohol and doesn't think too hard about it.

~*~

He’s 33 when things start to unravel. He’s never had more power than he does as DCI at Castle Gate but he’s in the spotlight now and people are starting to look too hard at him. People that can’t be swayed by words or money and it ignites a panic in his belly.

He’s 33 when Cranmer house falls down and with it goes his nerve. Finally he’s presented with his victims; people that died because he was complicit. Because he turned a blind eye; because he was arrogant enough to think that he deserved more.

There’s dead bodies lining the floor and he feels sick to his stomach. This is his fault and as he passes through the room the chain around his wrist burns hot against his skin, a reminder that he’s betrayed his father's legacy by becoming a villain. He wants out but he knows this only ends one way; with him in a wooden box.

Don’t worry, Jago tells him, we’ll sort it.

The words ring in his ears as he sits in his office well into the night, a bottle of whiskey keeping him company. Sorting it means more death, the death of police officers, good officers that never swayed from the right side of the line. For the first time since his father's death he sees clearly; he risks his life for this job every day because that is his job. That was his father's job too and he knew that when he chased criminals. He knew that even when he was wasting away. His mother died because she loved his father more than anything in the world; the job didn’t kill her.

Then, as he pours another glass of whiskey he thinks of Fred Thursday and his family. Fred that he led astray. Fred that will likely die at dawn, because of him. He wants to yell, he wants to throw things, he wants to let the feelings in his chest consume him. He’s been a fool because he was hurting and it made him numb to the evil in the world; he let it make him a villain and it took him too long to see that the world owes him nothing.

He’s never been one for grand demonstrations of bravery but, as the first rays of sunlight peek in through the window he knows what he has to do. He has the chance to stop Fred Thursday’s children going through the same thing he did, he has a chance to stop the job from hurting another good copper. He has a chance and he knows he has to take it so he opens his desk drawer and, with the steadiest hand he’s had in years, picks up the gun.

The sun glints off the chain on his wrist as he climbs the stairs in the yard. His limbs feel heavy, his mind almost in a trance. His heart pounds in his chest. This moment, this one, small moment is set to change so much.

He takes one final glance at that chain and all it represents and pushes open the heavy metal door.

He knows, as he pulls the trigger, that he doesn’t get to survive this. He let himself become the villain and now vengeance has come for him.

I couldn’t let him do it, he says, who’d have thought?

Darkness clouds the edges of his vision as he falls to the cold, damp floor. Before he closes his eyes and embraces it he thinks to himself; at least i did one good thing with my time.

**Author's Note:**

> In my mind he definitely survives but you know i gotta hurt y'all for fic purposes :))
> 
> Anyway any comments are welcome (not hate obvs but i am open to discuss) and if you wanna find me i'm on tumblr [here](http://www.http://kingsmanassemble.tumblr.com)


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